Last Man Standing's Low Moral Standards

When girls with sad eyes combust

She plays me
Acid blues
Her lips burn

elements
jumble violently
inside of me
memory is oxygen
mistake hydrogen
in search of equilibrium
there is always danger of spilling
over onto those
I would choose to love

We are ripping
clothes and inhibition off
on the balcony

the roommates are watching

revealed underneath
claw marks
are the things we will not say

I don’t know why we are so angry
but I like it

too hard
without noticing
eye contact
incendiary
with all that is bound
inside me combustion
eminent
gotta not nice feeling
she too is filled
with volatile substances
no kin to sugar or spice

from behind
facing mirror
sad eyes strike
match and we begin
to burn
back to life
way too soon

flames exhaust oxygen
want is discovered
an inadequate substitute
the moment and her eyes decide
I’ve had enough

she promises never to return
I refuse to believe
run to the refuge
of these pages
ironic
they are the only fire retardant home
I have ever owned
don’t leave me here                                      yet
before the cab
and kiss
she is gone

Anybody got a coat

Sometimes I wish
figuring out one’s self
was as simple as dressing
sharp
a three piece personality
button down of faith
vest of confidence

blazer of charm
slacks of determination
belt of discipline
accessories consisting of all the interesting
idiosyncrasies gathered along the way

unfortunately
my soul is currently
standing naked in time square
15 minutes after the apocalypse
wondering what the fuck went wrong  

Yesterday 1/30

Searching through seasons past
Deciphering the wasted every-things
For a reason
A pinch of gunpowder to fuel the treason
And I found you,
swaddling in tattered strips of damp blankets
My subconscious’s attempt at keeping you
safe
From the bonfire
in which I have pitched
the multitude of memories
wherein I have
disappointed, hurt, or broken
some things or
some ones
 

I think for now I will keep you
protected
The internal rhetoric
of hope, tomorrow,
and promises yet forsaken
enough to  continue this furnace
burning for now
 

One day soon though
I will be forced to uncover you
Allow you to serve the only purpose
regrets tend to have
Throw you to the flames

and then move on

Life is Short (Second Draft)

In the hospital bed
I helped him turn
So the chemo could spread evenly,
his eyes swelled then cracked
like fortune cookies
inside read
 
               Life is short
               But being alive is the longest thing you will ever do
               Proceed accordingly

If I had attempted
this homage to my father
10 years ago
Probably would’ve consisted more
of those intangibles that drove me
away, hate and blame
not just mere symptoms of childhood angst
but the language I learned to speak
in effort to express how my fathers
absence from my formative years
made me feel

I once considered my fathers dna
a cancer in me
Understanding the helix as double
I never used to dream of losing myself
completely; only half
A man now, I realize
my thinking
was the cancer; forgiveness is chemo
I am still waiting for it to spread evenly

Always with the wrong bottle in hand
From birth, he showed me the image of addict
Resembled a court jester juggling knives
one blade for family, one blade for work
one blade for marriage,  one blade for regret
one for the military that never treated him as equal, one for the father
that died when he was 10, another for the mother that
was never the same
all the while spiraling down towards
the greatest Come-To-Jesus moment ever
16 year old son in the back seat
as his wife picks him up from jail
after his second DUI

He has been sober now for 15 years

My father was a drunk
I was a cokehead
They say parents want children to grow up
Achieve feats greater than their own
I don’t believe that is what they had in mind

I have spent years mortified of mirrors
for fear of this image being reflected back on me
I sought a new likeness
at the bottom of whiskey bottles
and clear plastic baggies
mainlined hate and blame
until I became so high
I had nowhere to go
but down
rock bottom in the sky
I landed back in my father’s arms

Through falling I’ve realized
Just as I didn’t
My father did not ask for this predilection towards addiction
Blame and hate are just new ways to get high
For those not ready to change
And that which took him 30 years to overcome
Only took me five
Because for the last 15 years
He has shown me what recovery looks like
What dignity reinstated looks like
What a future not haunted by regret looks like

I refuse to be 10 years down the line
Traveling, a bat out a homemade hell, on route 95
Stop by a policeman for going 95
exclaiming out the window of my vehicle
like all men my father is dying
and like most men I never told him I understood
never told I knew one of those blades he juggled
had “love for family” engraved in it
never said I forgave him as I hope he has forgiven me
never said thanks, I am proud of you,
and though I know
neither side of this reflection will ever be perfect
I am no longer scared of mirrors

A guide to breaking up with someone you still love (CR edit)

1
Remind yourself, daily,
why you are doing this;
protect your ice sickle celled insides and diminutive hope
encase within an iron clad logic
Emotions, the radiation of her smile,
the desert sands of your deserted bed
will irrationally try to rust, it must withstand this, Careful
in desperate late night moments,
when wine bottles battle insomnia for domain
you will see her laying next to you
Trust this is an illusion

2
Stop saying “I love you” at the end of calls,
the silence will, at first, paralyze
It is the harshest sound
The sting will desensitize, eventually
You will grow accustomed to the lies told when no noise is made
Truth is loud and irrelevant

3
Cease any form of physical intimacy, now
The mouth and tongues of limbs and sweat
speak far too often without being spoken to
Phrase such as “please don’t leave”, and “why are we doing this”
will braille themselves across lips, necks, and inner thighs
Beware,
If you can still have sex and not care,
these words are not for you, you were never actually in love
Revisit this list when you are truly in need;

4
Fill the gap;
Anything will do, anything but her
If you’ve done this before
Avoid self-destructive behaviors
Survival rates for those who relapse are dismal
Flirt with other people, bat your eyes at strangers
Pretend you will fall in love again

5
Repeat step 1; word it differently
Like a second draft of a poem, attempt to say the same thing more effectively
with less words, send to someone who has written this story better than you
Have them edit; Say it a thousand times in front of a mirror,
Until your face lies to your eyes; perform it for her
There will be tears
Walk away

6
Do something you love
It should be that thing you said you would do more of
after she was gone; inspire awe with your brilliance at it
Make believe she was never your muse, if you fail
blame it on their distracting memory

7 
Move to upstate new york,
extinguish her in pools of liquor and cocaine,
Write, perform, record an album
Cover the parts of your body that remind you of her with tattoos
Break someone else’s heart, burn the sun
Destroy something other than yourself

Be warned
This is a tainted mantra, a broken dogma
kept by disciples of the church of perpetual unhappiness
If it fails there is one more step, use in the case of an emergency

8
Purchase the largest stick of dynamite you can swallow
retain the fuse between your teeth
find her,
grab her,
kiss her,
Ignite the fuse and implode your rotted insides
Die with the softness of spring upon your face
Force her to believe you had a choice

your suicide a metaphor
for your dying love

it’s over now
move on

Hello everybody

It’s been a minute.  I am not much for sharing in a forum like this, except in poetry form.  Just wanted to give a quick thank you to all those that supported my ill-fated attempt at the 30/30 in April.  In spite of my inability to finish all 30 poems I am very pleased with some of the poems I wrote and the simple fact that I have been writing continuously since.  Thanks to the help of my intangible family members I have edited some of the poems I wrote for the 30/30 and will be sharing those as they get to the abandon point.  I will also be sharing new stuff in attempt to get it out into the world.  I am not quite sure how people post comments on tumblr but if you know how please do, PLEASE COMMENT.

LMS